Anonymous Confessions

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  • ConfessionsConfessions Posts: 357 ✭✭✭
    "I've been away mentally for a while and I think I'm finally coming back. I hope. DFTBA, NRP."
    Submit your anonymous confession here.
    (If a confession has NRP at the end of it, it means "No Responses Please.")
  • ConfessionsConfessions Posts: 357 ✭✭✭
    "I am from India. I found Crash Course World History so much inspiring that I want to create similar YouTube show for Indian history. But... a. It will require a lot of research and I am not historian... b. Even if I figure my way around (a) and write and produce the whole show, I feel that Indian people have learned history in a biased way and have created their own demigods in the history and commenting on these historical figures have sparked violence! Besides, under Indian constitution freedom of expression is more limited than US first amendment... Anyway, just wanted to say this out loud..."
    Submit your anonymous confession here.
    (If a confession has NRP at the end of it, it means "No Responses Please.")
  • ConfessionsConfessions Posts: 357 ✭✭✭
    "I'm in middle school. I got bullied in 6th grade for being a nerd and weird, and I ended up punching a kid and getting detention. We moved around a year and a half ago and my parents didn't trust me enough to tell me until around a month before we moved - while we were at a new school touring it. I had friends. They didn't care, they told me late anyway, and told me I couldn't tell my friends until a week before we moved. My second day at the new school was my birthday. My dad was off on a business trip. My parents got me one small thing that I'm still surprised they even thought I liked. I went into my room after saying thank you and cried because I was so upset and tired. I remember many details of that day vividly. Recently, I've felt more and more like my dad is arrogant and doesn't care what I'm doing, but he feels it's wrong anyway. My mom is kind of detached from the whole situation and spends a lot of time sleeping. I used to wonder what place people could be in that they felt that the best solution was to kill themselves, but now I understand, at least a little bit - I have thought about committing suicide. In my friend group at school, I'm the one who cracks jokes and makes everyone laugh, and I love it because I feel accepted, but I'm not sure they realize just what I'm feeling, because I try to hide it all behind a smile and a joke. Once I get home my day just goes downhill. I hate school itself, because it bores me (I get straight A's and am in a "talented and gifted" program) but my friends hold me together. I have so many dreams for where I want to go in life, but I never know if I'll make it there. I have so many things I want to learn about. I'm all mixed up inside. I've held all this in for so long and more that I haven't written, but I don't know who to say it too, and probably never will (I don't count this quite, because it's anonymous). I'm sorry to say so much."
    Submit your anonymous confession here.
    (If a confession has NRP at the end of it, it means "No Responses Please.")
  • RialVestroRialVestro Posts: 6,339 ✭✭✭
    I'm noticing a lot of similarities between us. Some differences too but more similarities than differences.

    I graduated high school in 2004. I got bullied every year of school for being a nerd and weird. I never punched anyone. I live in constant physical pain and always try to avoid getting any more hurt than I already am so I avoided fights... for the most part.

    I never really had to deal with moving and going to a new school. My parents moved around a lot but that was before I actually started school. By the time I was in Kindergarten they had bought a house which they still live in to this day. I actually had the opposite problem where I was the kid that got left behind when all my friends would suddenly move away without telling me. I mean there was one time I walked over to a friend's house just down the street one day just to discover that their house was suddenly completely empty and there was some other lady looking to buy the property.

    Birthdays have never really been good for me. My dad has always gotten me lots of toys that I really wanted but there has always been one thing that I've always wanted to do that can't be bought. The problem is that my group of friends, with people coming and going all the time has always been rather limited to just two friends at a time. I've always wanted to have a big bithday party like you see on TV and movies where it looks like the whole school or class is there but I've never been that popular. My best birthday party was when I was 10 and the only people who came was a guy who would later grow up to cheat on his wife with my girlfriend and a guy who got so into drugs he doesn't even remember who I am half the time I see him. As good as it was at the time even that was terrible because the whole thing was a lie. They hated each other and just for that one day they actually got along and I thought it was because they really cared about me but in retrospect I see that wasn't true. And that's still my best birthday party despite the fact the memory has been tainted by those jerks. As a kid I probably cared more about the toys but as an adult after years and years of spending birthdays with just my parents all I really want are people who care enough about me to show up to a party. I don't care if I don't get any presents, if I could just have one decent Birthday party. And this is an especially touchy subject considering I just turned 31 last month. I really shouldn't even really care about having a party at my age. Birthday parties are fun when you're young but after 21 it's just a sad reminder that you're another year closer to death. I'm way passed the age of caring about birthday parties but I still kinda do because I've never really had one.

    I've always had a pretty good relationship with my dad. I rarely talk about my mom and when I do it's always something bad because she was the abusive parent and the reason for a lot of the physical pain that I still suffer from as an adult. My relationship with my mom is like a dormant volcano waiting to explode, and I'm the volcano because I've got YEARS of pent up frustration that I've kept bottled away. I try to avoid talking to her as much as possible because whenever I do the volcano erupts. There was a time when she was the only person who could ever push me that far cause it's no easy task to piss me off. You have to do something pretty horrible in order to do it. But you know the aforementioned best friend cheating on his wife with my girlfriend, that pissed me off. Plus he basically turned into my mother when he started doing the exact same thing to his kids that my mom did to screw up my life.

    "I used to wonder what place people could be in that they felt that the best solution was to kill themselves, but now I understand, at least a little bit - I have thought about committing suicide."

    I don't think you do. As previously mention I suffer from constant physical pain. Pain which was inflicted on me as a child, mostly by my abusive mother, and which has stayed with me throughout my entire life. It will never go away, medication doesn't effect me, my best hope is to die. That's the only way it'll ever stop.

    Usually when people consider suicide it's because their situation is actually hopeless, irreversible, it's a last resort option. But in most cases there are other things you could do instead and I think yours is one of those cases where your situation can be fixed without resorting to that. At least from what you have said so far. Maybe there's something I don't know that makes your situation worse than I think it is. But there are plenty of people on these forums you could talk to and hopefully find you a better solution to your problems.

    I try to cope with my situation by using my experience to help others in similar situations. I'm not sure exactly how much if any of this is actually helpful to you but I'm hoping sharing my story will at the very least convince you not to use this last resort option.

    "In my friend group at school, I'm the one who cracks jokes and makes everyone laugh, and I love it because I feel accepted, but I'm not sure they realize just what I'm feeling, because I try to hide it all behind a smile and a joke."

    Yeah I'm guilty of doing that too. Some times I think people don't believe how much pain I'm really in because I try so hard to hide it behind humor. Also some times I wander if people don't realize I'm joking and actually think I'm just stupid. A lot of my sense of humor is about taking things literally. Like whenever anyone asks me what's up I respond by saying the sky or the roof whatever happens to be directly above my head at the time. Some people realize it's a joke and others then try to explain what the phrase means like they think I'm being serious. Or someone says it's raining cats and dogs outside and I look out the window saying "where I don't see any cat and dogs, all I see is water falling from the sky." I never actually expected to see cats and dogs falling from the sky but some people seems to think I did. It was a joke. I'm not actually that stupid, I just act that way to get laughs.

    I was in special ed. Not because I was dumb but because I'm always tired during the day and have trouble concentrating when I'm half asleep. I'm more alert at night when I was suppose to be sleeping. I was reading ahead of my age group at home but having trouble reading the stupid little kids books in school. They misinterpreted the problem as a learning disorder and put me in special ed where I was the smartest kid in the class. Everyone always wanted my help or tried to cheat off me because I got good grades. Of course it usually took me the longest to finish my work because I was so busy helping everyone else that I could barely concentrate on my own work. There were several times I stayed in during recess to finish my work because of helping everyone else or intentionally going slow because I knew the kid next to me was trying to copy my answers. I don't answer he's forced to do it himself but then it take me forever to write down an answer I know because I'm waiting for the idiot next to me to figure it out.

    I had dreams of being a TV and movie actor which don't appear to be going anywhere. I know the busyness inside and out. I've spent my entire life working toward one singular goal... and then some how I ended up in theater and taking care of a disabled child who isn't even biologically my kid. There are things in life you don't always plan for that get in the way of your dreams. Or dreams change. I would of been happy to just stay in theater except they kept wanting to shove me back stage. I'm an actor, I've always been an actor, I'll always be an actor. I like doing things behind the scenes too but that's not all I am and I was tired of being treated like hiding back stage was all I was good for. I proved twice I could act and they didn't even credit me as an actor. Then I got fired from a job that I was already planning to quit anyway. Like seriously I told my ASM that I was planning on finishing out the year, which would of been two more plays, and then I'm be leave the theater... couple weeks later I get a phone call saying that the director said I was basically not welcome there anymore. So I was fired before I could quit.

    "I've held all this in for so long and more that I haven't written, but I don't know who to say it too, and probably never will (I don't count this quite, because it's anonymous). I'm sorry to say so much."

    As I said before, I'm kind of like a dormant volcano just holding in emotions for years till I finally explode. I don't really have a lot of people I can talk to about stuff either and there's other things I haven't mentioned. Including some recent things. I'm staying at my parents right now but I haven't even told them why I came back home yet. They never bothered to ask. I just told them I'd be staying a night or a week, and now it's two weeks, and they still have no idea what's going on.

    Anyway, if you need someone to talk to you can private message me. I'd prefer you don't ask about my stuff. I'm trying not to think about that right now. Unless I bring it up myself I'm not ready to talk about it. But I could really use the distraction right now. And I think we're more similar than different so my experience with these things might help you if you're willing to talk. You don't have to if you don't want to of course but you know how to reach me if you want to.
    Ni, peng, nee-wom! Ecky, ecky, ecky, pakang, zoom-ping! Baa weep grahna weep ninny bong!
  • Gara_the_engineerGara_the_engineer In a log house at the edge of the forestPosts: 616 ✭✭✭

    "I'm in middle school. I got bullied in 6th grade for being a nerd and weird, and I ended up punching a kid and getting detention. We moved around a year and a half ago and my parents didn't trust me enough to tell me until around a month before we moved - while we were at a new school touring it. I had friends. They didn't care, they told me late anyway, and told me I couldn't tell my friends until a week before we moved. My second day at the new school was my birthday. My dad was off on a business trip. My parents got me one small thing that I'm still surprised they even thought I liked. I went into my room after saying thank you and cried because I was so upset and tired. I remember many details of that day vividly. Recently, I've felt more and more like my dad is arrogant and doesn't care what I'm doing, but he feels it's wrong anyway. My mom is kind of detached from the whole situation and spends a lot of time sleeping. I used to wonder what place people could be in that they felt that the best solution was to kill themselves, but now I understand, at least a little bit - I have thought about committing suicide. In my friend group at school, I'm the one who cracks jokes and makes everyone laugh, and I love it because I feel accepted, but I'm not sure they realize just what I'm feeling, because I try to hide it all behind a smile and a joke. Once I get home my day just goes downhill. I hate school itself, because it bores me (I get straight A's and am in a "talented and gifted" program) but my friends hold me together. I have so many dreams for where I want to go in life, but I never know if I'll make it there. I have so many things I want to learn about. I'm all mixed up inside. I've held all this in for so long and more that I haven't written, but I don't know who to say it too, and probably never will (I don't count this quite, because it's anonymous). I'm sorry to say so much."

    I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that, and that your parents show so little understanding. Is there any way you could get to spend less time at home, if you have some interest you could spend your afternoons and/or weekends doing - maybe in some club or on your own - so that you have something in your day that feels good? Or just take long walks or whatever. Also, is there anyone irl you could talk to about this, be it a friend or a school counsellor or anyone?


    Usually when people consider suicide it's because their situation is actually hopeless, irreversible, it's a last resort option.

    @RialVestro Their situation doesn't necessarily have to be actually hopeless and irreversible. When a situation feels hopeless, when a person has lost hope or feel like they really can't take it anymore, it doesn't necessarily matter to them whether or not that's factual or not. We experience the world through our feelings and senses, not through objective test instruments, so what matters to us is what our feelings and senses tells us, and that doesn't always align with the hard facts.

    And again to you, Confessioner - Things do however have a tendency of changing with time. One can't know what things will change (some, yes, but not all of it), or whether they'll get better or worse or just different, but things won't stay exactly the same throughout life, and that promise of change makes hope be a thing that may actually have some relevance. Not everything will get better, that's for sure, but not everything will get worse or stay as bad as it is either.
    The meaning of life is to give life a meaning
  • Gara_the_engineerGara_the_engineer In a log house at the edge of the forestPosts: 616 ✭✭✭

    "I am from India. I found Crash Course World History so much inspiring that I want to create similar YouTube show for Indian history. But... a. It will require a lot of research and I am not historian... b. Even if I figure my way around (a) and write and produce the whole show, I feel that Indian people have learned history in a biased way and have created their own demigods in the history and commenting on these historical figures have sparked violence! Besides, under Indian constitution freedom of expression is more limited than US first amendment... Anyway, just wanted to say this out loud..."

    That sounds like a cool idea. Even if you aren't a historian, maybe you can find the facts you need from credible sources so that it gets good anyway? If you think that violence or the lack of freedom of speech could be a problem - is there any way that you could make your channel anonymous and not show your face and stuff but instead talk and explain to some pictures (or animations, if you know how to do that or feel that it's worth the effort to learn)? Just some thoughts. I totally understand if you'd find the obstacles to be too big to actually do it, but I like your idea anyway.
    The meaning of life is to give life a meaning
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