A chapter from my book thoughts,feedback and criticism are appreciated

justanotherguy45justanotherguy45 Moss point, Mississippi Posts: 20
I think I've become addicted to staring at the ceiling. When your depressed you do this kind of stuff right? I mean it's only natural for us to shut down when we don't feel like living in the slightest. I hear a thump on my door indicating my mother trying to get me to come out of my dark room. "Barry are you okay?" My mother said on the other side of the door. "I'm fine mom" I lied and slowly got out of bed to the door, where I was greeted by my beautiful mother. Now my mom is short so she has look up at me with those green eyes. "Barry are you sure your okay...do I need to call Dr.-" "Mom I said I was fine I've just been thinking a lot",I said. I hugged mom and headed for the shower to get ready. When I entered the bathroom I looked at the face staring at me in the mirror. I don't see what other people see I hate how I look. I hate my brown shaggy hair and I especially hate my eyes. My mom always talks about how I look like my dad who I never met he died when I was a baby. After looking at my god awful self I too a shower while also thinking about how I was dreading going back to school. In school I'm not the most popular person, i mostly hang out with the band geeks or the skater kids at school. Again not the most popular guy but I do have friends. One who I am waiting for is my friend Matt who is my best friend. Matt is an interesting character himself he's crazy like balls to the wall crazy. As I'm waiting outside I see him speeding down my street in his big ass SUV. He parks in my family's drive way rolling the window as he comes to a stop. "Come on Allen we're going to be late!" He yells out to me. "Well if I wouldn't have to be waiting for you we wouldn't be running late now would we Matt", I say rolling my eyes. Me and Matt have been at this since we were in diapers, so I've had to deal with it for a long time. After getting in the car and driving 10 minutes I made it to my living nightmare. Matt patted me on the shoulder and told me it would be alright. That things wouldn't end up like last year, which was a year I wanted to forget entirely. A lot of bad things had happened that year which was the cause of my depression. Walking through the halls I noticed the one person I didin't want to see and that was Eddie who was the star quarterback and my tormentor since 1st grade. He sees me immediately and I cringe he's walking over toward me with a smug look as I prepare for my intiment doom. "If it isn't the little shithead!" He exclaims as he pushes me against a locker pulling me up by my shirt. "Eddie leave him alone", yelled a feminine voice, and at that the big gorilla let me down. I looked over to see my older sister Sarah who happened to be Eddies girlfriend. Let's just say she's very protective of me especially now since last years whole escapade. As my sister begins to chew him out I make my escape and head on to my first class. Along the way my phone buzzes. I take out my phone and smile a bit because it's my friend Angela. Angela is a girl I met who is also in the same situation as me. We met through a mutual friend who now lives where Angela lives and we've been friends since. Angela: Hope you have a good day Bare :) Barry: you too hope you like your new school! Angela: well I'm running late which is JUST great (sarcasm) Barry: and I'm the one who needs a watch. Angela: shut up Allen :p I tell her I'll talk to her later and head to class. I get in just before the bell rings I'm not late for once this year might be my year after all. My first class is English which is my favorite subject it's the easiest that comes to me. My teacher Mr. Watt, (yes that is literally his name) stands before us in his button down shirt and tie with an old fashioned blazer. He's really old but as old guys go Mr.Watt is pretty cool. "Now class we have a new student Ms. Young you can come out now." The entire class turned as we saw a tall brunet haired girl walking in and immediately I gasped. Angela was in my class. i
Some things are worth fighting for

Comments

  • bananaboatbananaboat United StatesPosts: 5
    It sounds pretty good so far! If I were you, I would polish up some of the grammar and add some transitions to make it a smoother read. And maybe a little more description. Like, instead of being really straight-forward and just telling the story, make it come alive. It's okay to digress from your sentence a little bit to add some description or some background about your character. For example, when you talk about how short the mom is and how she has green eyes, maybe pick a different word/phrase than "green" ("emerald" "strikingly green, like evergreen trees against a snow-white field, etc.), and a different word/phrase than "short" ("petite" "mousy" "knee-high to a grasshopper"). If you just can't think of anything, try googling synonyms or doing word association; it works really well!
    You have a great story-line going, and I hope you keep writing more good stuff!
    :)
    “There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner.” 
    ― Diane SetterfieldThe Thirteenth Tale
  • LunarEclipseLunarEclipse HogwartsPosts: 58
    This is really good. As bananaboat said, you do need a few commas and some other grammar checks, but I could still understand what you are saying. The transitions are a little choppy, but it is horrible. Good job on it though, I am intrigued!
    "You have to be odd to be number one." -- Dr. Seuss
    Why do liquid metals (or nearly liquid ones, I still love you Gallium) never cease to interest me?
    Would a dragon fruit be less fascinating if it was called by another name?
  • LunarEclipseLunarEclipse HogwartsPosts: 58
    Oops, I mistyped! Sorry. The sentence is supposed to say, "The transitions are a little choppy, but it ISN'T horrible." Wow, I need to proof read my comments before I post them. 
    "You have to be odd to be number one." -- Dr. Seuss
    Why do liquid metals (or nearly liquid ones, I still love you Gallium) never cease to interest me?
    Would a dragon fruit be less fascinating if it was called by another name?
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